BYU Top 8 Back to School Headlines

PROVO- BYU campus was ablaze with news stories this week. Unfortunately, most of our student correspondent writers decided school was more important than informing the world. They were all fired.

#1 Man Passes Out from Boredom-Induced Brain Aneurism in BYU Bookstore Line

passed out student
Delirious BYU student shouting non-sensical words at paramedics.


#2 Cosmo Joins Facebook to Stalk Freshman

Cougar (turns 60 this year) suggestively flirting with freshman.
Cougar (turns 60 this year) suggestively flirting with freshmen.


#3 BYU Extreme Sports Team Sweeps X-Games

BYU X-Games Team Captian captures gold in this summer's x-games
BYU Team Captain captures gold in this summer’s X-Games.


#4 Google Fiber Hires Ex-Vivint Salesmen (i.e. all of the business school)

Google Fiber
Experts estimate that 95% of Utah Valley will have Google Fiber once these salesmen are released.


#5 Snipers Hired to Protect Missionary Training Center

MTC Snipers
Missionaries are encouraged to not make any “sudden or threatening movements” in the MTC.


#6 BYU Creates a Miniature Campus for LDS Ants

Ants concerned with lack of diversity at the school.
Ants concerned with lack of diversity at the school.


#7 College of Puppetology and Ventriloquism Announced

Likely to bring shame and disgrace to BYU.
Lynn Trefzger Ph.D. (above) will be the dean of the new college. Most alumni say the college will bring “shame and disgrace” to BYU.


#8 BYU Baldmen Club Denied Club Charter Third Straight Year

This could be you sooner than you think.
Potential Baldmen Club president was found crying in the Wilkinson Center bathroom after having his dreams crushed for the third year in a row. BYUSA claims, “bald guys creep us out.”



"True Blue" Cookie Monster to Take Over as Official BYU Mascot
Deaconitis Epidimic Hits Salt Lake City; Fashion Police Baffled by Extent of Contamination