The BunYion’s Guide to Properly Identifying a Meth Lab

Recent events have forced our once innocent community to face harsh, worldly realities: some people may mistake our home soap-making business for meth production. We at the BunYion have been swamped by questions from you, sincere, thoughtful questions by faithful saints who just want to know if a roommate is making meth. We want you to know the signs of a real meth lab so that you can recognize one when you go home for the holidays to iniquitous places like California, Oklahoma, or Draper, and also so you can rest assured that no one at BYU would ever do such a thing.

My roommate has blacked out the windows, won’t let me in the room sometimes, and always has tons of empty pill blister packs in the trash. Also, he has stopped going to class and sometimes seems rather paranoid. Is he making meth? Carl from Liberty Square

No! You should thank God every day for such a conscientious, loving roommate, since he is keeping the room dark and taking cold medicine so the outside light and his sniffles don’t keep you up at night. And as for not going to class, seeming paranoid, and letting you in the room, well, let’s just say that the cross stitch he’s making you as a Christmas surprise will be fabulous!

My roommate takes really, really long showers. He says it is because he has custom made soaps that he is trying out. He also sometimes accidently calls the shower wand “Amanda.” Is he making meth? Dave from Monticello Apartments

No, he probably isn’t making meth, but we all wish he were only committing that sin and not something so, so close to murder.

My roommate recently finished his mission in West Africa, experiences nausea, diarrhea (sometimes bloody), red eyes, a raised rash, chest pain and cough, stomach pain, severe weight loss, and bleeding, usually from the eyes as well as bruising. Is he making meth? Mark from Branbury Apartments

No, he is experiencing a normal post-mission adjustment. What might be best for him to smooth his transition would be finding a good job in the food service industry.

My roommate changed his major a few weeks ago to philosophy, and now he constantly asks annoying questions, uses words like “hermeneutics,” “plethora,” and “utilize,” and says things like “you know Korihor had some good points.” Is he making meth? Trent from The Village at South Campus

Maybe not now, but soon enough. Try casting out an evil spirit or just call Honor Code Enforcement now.

My roommate has installed a rather elaborate ventilation system in our room. He says it removes some of the odors of his “nasty socks.” Also, he takes out his own trash several times a week, throwing the bags into other dumpsters across town. I cannot tell you how many empty containers of antifreeze, ether, starting fluids, Freon, lye, drain opener, paint thinner, and acetone he disposes of every week! There also seem to be a lot of torn apart lithium batteries. Is he making meth? Steven from Park Place

This is a very common misconception, but let me reassure you that he is definitely not making meth. What you describe are the classic signs of an important and necessarily secret operation. Please don’t tell anyone, but your roommate is actually a developer of the next generation of Essential Oils. Work with him as closely as he will let you, and, when the time is right, you will be able to commit your life and livelihood, your time, talents, and everything you have, to Essential Oils, and, as you bring others to these life-saving and life-giving products, all of your wildest dreams will be fulfilled.

My girlfriend buys a lot of Ramen noodles, Skittles, and Diet Coke. Is she making meth? Dimitri from Helaman Halls

Yep! Put a ring on it before the money is gone or she gets a bunch of scabs and loses her teeth!