Businesses Sponsor General Conference to Keep Church Financially Afloat

SALT LAKE CITY- Since the financial crisis of 2008, the LDS Church has found itself financially unstable. After falling victim to a series of ponzi-schemes and Nigerian princes over the past five years, the Church has faced a nearly insurmountable debt. However, after building the City Creek Mall in Salt Lake City now comes what officials are calling the “Corporate Church Sponsorship” phase to get the Church back into its self-reliant ways. We selected the most prominent corporate and individual sponsors to be displayed during General Conference this weekend to keep members of the BunYion Nation in the know.

1. Boeing agreed to sponsor Dieter F. Uchtdorf’s talks for a whopping $4.1 million.

Boeing spokesman Bert Arnolds told The BunYion that, according to the contract, “All planes mentioned in Dieter’s talks must be Boeing airplanes.”

2. The opening hymn of the Sunday morning session will be “Popcorn Popping,” sponsored by Orville Redenbacher.

Primary children were ecstatic to learn that their anthem will be played for the world to hear.

3. The state of Colorado will sponsor the hymn “High, On the Mountain Top”.

“We didn’t legalize marijuana for nothin’,” said Colorado native John Hicklooper.

4. Morgan Freeman agreed to sponsor all talks given by Seventies who are not native English speakers.

“I always feel love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness and faith when he talks. In fact, I’m pretty sure I even felt the Spirit when he was narrating March of the Penguins,” said one past conference attendee.

5. Pepperidge Farm closed a $2.2 million deal, guaranteeing that after every nostalgic Monson story their logo will be displayed along with the slogan, “Remember times like that? Pepperidge Farm remembers.”