BYU Bans Mustaches and Skinny Jeans

PROVO- After the new mission presidents’ seminar in June, the First Presidency toured the BYU campus. During the tour, President Monson said, “Why do these young men wear such tight pants? And why do they grow these hideous mustaches? Both are sure to cause infertility.”

After President Monson’s comment, Honor Code Office officials held emergency sessions to decide the fate of the BYU mustache and skinny jeans.

Student possibly decreases chance to procreate.
Mustache-wearing student decreases chance to procreate.

Upon further investigation, President Monson’s comment was found to be prophetically accurate. Since 2009, hipster mustaches and tight pants have increased by an astounding 154%. During the same time period, student pregnancies (of students or spouses of students) have decreased by 65%.

Figure 1. Graph indicating relationship between bad taste and infertility.
Figure 1. Graph indicating relationship between bad taste* and infertility.

*Not included in graph: results establishing relationship between infertility and listening to obscure music or overall hipsterism.

“We decided to follow the prophet and restrict mustaches and skinny jeans on church campuses,” said Jim Misay, Honor Code Office administrator. “This change is one more step towards our entire campus being translated: the ultimate goal of the Honor Code office.”

The official draft of the new revision was released to the public today:


Updated Dress and Grooming Standards: Men

…Clothing is inappropriate when it is sleeveless, revealing, or form fitting (including disgusting skinny jeans – they kill your future babies.)… If worn, moustaches must be (1) fake, (2) worn for no longer than thirty minutes at a time, and (3) a sign you have no self-respect.  Mustaches may not be grown for any reason including charities, Mario costumes, laziness, or ending bad relationships.

Updated Dress and Grooming Standards: Women

…Women may not have facial hair, excluding eyebrows. Chin hair, mustaches, side-burns, uni-brows must be removed..

 BYU is holding a student information meeting of the proposed changes in 1105 JKB on August 3rd at 6:30 PM (mustaches may not be worn to meeting)

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