5 People Who Could Be the Next Apostle

With three spots on the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles up for grabs, we take a look at some of the top candidates to join the Brethren on the stand at General Conference.

Pope Francis

With over 40 years in ecclesiastical management and capable of both looking homosexuals in the eye and making John Boehner cry, there is almost nothing Pope Francis can’t do. Unfortunately though, this may have played against him because the Brethren labeled him “overqualified.” Pope Francis was noticeably disappointed, mostly because he had already spent his projected signing bonus; something he says one should never do. His relationship with the great and abominable church and whore of the earth is also questionable in its own right.

Mitt Romney

Everyone knows Mitt Romney has been circling job ads in the classified section since his heart-breaking 2012 defeat to Barack Obama, so it’s no surprise he would jump on this opportunity. Mitt Romney is tough with numbers, tough with opposition, yet easy on the eyes. However, he was disenchanted with the position and the organization. When Mitt asked, “Where do you guys keep all your binders full of women?” the awkward silence that followed was palpable.

John Dehlin

The creator of “Mormon Stories” podcasts and a lightning rod for liberal Mormons everywhere, John Dehlin has plenty of credentials that would make him a great fit among the Brethren. It’s been reported that John also knows how to use the “World Wide Web” which impressed and intrigued the brethren, after they were assured that there was no pornography on it. He has deep knowledge of Church history as well as a staunch commitment toward improving relations between the LGBTQ community and the church. However, his deep knowledge of Church history and his staunch commitment toward improving relations between the LGBTQ community and the church may be a skeleton in the closet that is too uncomfortable to bare.

Brother Jepsen from 3rd Ward

He may not be the most flashy guy in his ward, but Brother Jepsen is just one of those salt of the earth guys, you know? He’s like the Sarah Palin of religion. He’s always doing his home teaching on time and always answers questions in Sunday School without rocking the boat. But isn’t he divorced or something? And ugh, that beard!? What else is Brother Jepsen keeping from us? Can we really trust him?

Julie Rowe

Julie Rowe has no shame about dropping big prophecies like Uchtdorf can drop an airplane reference. She’s passionate, spiritual, and “really knows her way around the kitchen. Why isn’t she applying for general homemaker?”  Regardless, many feel she stepped on a few toes when she said that airplane references are “child’s play.”  Rowe mentioned that knowing the various astronomical phenomena like blood moons, solar eclipses and other textbook signs for the end the world are the marks of a true prophet.