BYU Landscapers Resort to Landmines to Keep Students Off Grass
PROVO—In a last ditch effort to discourage students from walking on campus grass, BYU Landscape Management has resorted to the use of live landmines.
“Yes, what you’ve heard is correct,” said a landscape management official. “We’ve been struggling with this problem for years now. No one takes us seriously when we passive-aggressively guilt-trip students to stay off the grass. Our committee concluded that it is better that a few students should explode than an entire lawn should dwindle and perish under their feet.”
The backlash from students has been fierce.
Early this morning, officials attempted to detain a student who had hijacked a riding lawn mower, using it as a de-mining vehicle. The rebel hacked the lawn apart with the mower’s blade locked on its lowest setting. As officials closed in on his position, he held three fingers in the air, a symbol of rebellion perpetuated in the popular Hunger Games films, and then threw himself onto a nearby mine.
One student grieved the death of his roommate who was killed after unsuspectingly wandering into a mine field. “The weather was just warmer than usual today, so Ty said he was just going to lay down on the little hill outside the Benson Building for a while. As soon as his head hit the grass… Ty died,” the student said.
Other students question the financial logic of landscape management effectively blowing up their own landscape, to which management has replied that “at this point it’s not about the money, it’s about sending a message, a message much stronger than ‘Cougars Don’t Cut Corners.’”