American General Authorities Also Excited about Native Language Rules

SALT LAKE CITY − With new allowances for foreign General Authorities to speak their native language, many are wishing to know whether German-born Dieter F. Uchtdorf will speak in his native tongue. Now, however, it sounds as though even American speakers will be taking advantage of the new policy.

Elder D. Todd Christofferson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, for example, is expected to switch to his native tongue of Legalese, a dialect used by those in the legal field which uses terms combined in long-winded sentences, or varied or with permutations, with the initial design of legal or drafting precision but which otherwise add unnecessary complexity or inadvertently resulting in confusion. A source in the translation department revealed that the original title of his upcoming talk is Semi-transitional hermeneutics in light of early Phoenician pseudo-archetypes.  

Additional sources suggest that Boyd K. Packer will speak using language more natural to his upbringing. Suspected additions to President Packer’s vocabulary include the words “dandy,” “attaboy,” and “Japs.”

The prophet, Thomas S. Monson, has also led many experts to believe that he will be speaking differently at the upcoming conference. Although some suggest that President Monson might just speak in Grandpa, most analysts find it more likely he will communicate using exclusively heart-warming stories, soul-searching stares, and American Ear Wiggle Language.