Student Dies After Realizing Cosmo Cougar Isn’t Real

PROVO — During the evening hours of March 29, 2014, BYU student Peter Cottonbottom died shortly after realizing that Cosmo isn’t, in fact, an oversized, overly-enthused, mountain-dwelling cat with an affinity for BYU athletics.

Cosmo was spotted at the YSA 153rd Ward dance nursing a tall can of Arizona Tea while dancing “all up on” Mindy Gledhill, the ward’s Relief Society President.

“Yeah, Cosmo was pretty loose that night,” recounted Randall McBride, a Gledhill groupie and 153rd Ward member. “He was only wearing the head of his Cosmo costume and as soon as Peter caught a glimpse of his opposable thumbs and practically nonexistent tail, he just lost it.”

Sources noted that Cottonbottom began licking his arm hair in an effort to calm his scampering heartbeat, making the young man cough profusely. Soon, he lay lifeless on a clubhouse floor with a ball of yarn at his side. Said McBride, who’d seen Peter climbing curtains not five minutes before the incident, “He would’ve wanted to go this way. Well, minus the whole life-long deception part.”

Speaking with reporters after his son’s untimely death, Jedediah Cottonbottom remembered his son by saying, “My boy loved that Cosmo. He was always acting like a pus… (clears throat)… kitty, ya know? Just a playful, young man. The boy wouldn’t hurt a mouse. Everything he did was done in the name of diversion. It’s all so sad.”

For all who wish to attend, Peter’s funeral will be held on the first of April at 3pm on the volleyball court in the Smith Fieldhouse. A fully clothed Cosmo will deliver the final eulogy in his “sad face” which made its initial appearance after BYU was “blessed” to uphold the NCAA’s Title IX ruling in 1995.

A live cougar will be in attendance for petting purposes. However, it has been asked by the Cottonbottom family that no heavy petting be permitted before, during, or after the service.