Samuelson Uses Seer Stone, Picks White, Male Professional as Successor

Former BYU President Cecil Samuelson used his seer stone to reveal Kevin Worthen, another white, Anglo-Saxon, Protestant male, as new BYU president.

Although many thought that other potential candidates, such as Alex Boyé, Mitt Romney, and Joanna Brooks stood a better chance at election, the die was cast after Cecil Samuelson looked into his seer stone and revealed Kevin Worthen to be the successor.

“It has been quite a process, but I always knew it was going to Kevin, especially after taking a little look into my hat,” said the former president of BYU. “Just like with Joseph, the seer stone has worked its magic again!”

Samuelson said that Worthen fits the bill for BYU President perfectly. “Kevin is sure to be a successful president: he’s rich, white, straight, and most importantly, male.”

Results showed that Worthen easily won in the open election, garnering an incredible 100% of the student body sustainings required for the presidency. “I knew that all 30,000 plus students would sustain me, just like they sustain their Stake Beautification Committee Members,” said Worthen.

The new president stated that he wants to continue the tradition started in 2003 by Samuelson, where no one knows what the BYU President actually does.  “I don’t expect any radical changes, or any changes, really. We’re doing pretty good so far.” Pretty good indeed, with students very eager to live the honor code, and even more eager to become involved, as evidenced by recent BYUSA election turnout.

President Samuelson showed excitement for the first time in his life as he was released. “I can’t believe they had me supporting BYU all these years. I was born a Ute and now I will finally be able to come out as who I really am and switch teams. BYU was such an oppressive environment.”