LDS Church Announces Relocation to Missouri after Gay Marriage Legalization
SALT LAKE CITY — “I’ll go where you want me to go, dear Lord” is no longer just a song title, but now contains the sentiment of thousands of Mormons in Utah as they prepare to make the hard winter trek back east to Jackson County, Missouri, in reaction to the federal judge’s ruling that gay marriage is now legal in Utah.
“The time has come. The apocalypse will happen any minute now. We have gone from hearing Brigham Young say, ‘This is the place’ to everyone screaming, ‘Gays took my place’. Oh how art thou fallen, Utah!” said church representative Nancy Pelosi Smith.
As deliberations continue on how to proceed with the newly conceived declaration, many members are already making the necessary preparations for the trek. Sales for RVs have increased over 300% overnight, yet some members plan to make the journey in handmade carts, following the pioneering spirit that has always characterized Mormons.
The gay marriage announcement coincided with the discovery of a mega volcano by BYU scientists. “We believe this is no coincidence. The discovery of this volcano can only mean that something terrible will happen here soon. Sodom and Gomorrah will be nothing compared to what will come,” said another church member.
Other members, known as Zionites, were worry-free about the church announcement and planned on staying in what they considered Zion. One member prophesied, “This whole ‘being gay’ thing is just a fad, kinda like the internet; no way will it last much longer.”