Race for Caffeinated Beverages on Campus Results in Carnage

In what is being called the worst stampede in BYU history, 17 were killed and another 33 were injured when students raced to get caffeinated Coke Zero beverages from a vending machine in the Brimhall Building on the south side of campus.

BYU officials were quick to express their regret at the alarming number of deaths and injuries from the accident.

“We are sorry for the grave error in our order. We never wanted the temptation of caffeine to even enter this campus,” spokeswoman Judy Garfield said earlier this morning. “Folk-doctrines and personal ‘revelation’ have been telling us for decades that caffeine is the root of all evil. We are terribly sorry for taking such ‘revelations’ lightly.”

One student refused to blame Coke Zero or caffeine for the deaths, citing instead the words of Carri Jenkins in 2012 when she told reporters that there was no demand for caffeinated drinks on BYU campus.

“When I got the tweet about the Coke Zero on campus, I thought ‘Cool, me and one or two other people will be getting Coke Zero for the next few days because there is no demand for it. Then I saw hundreds of students running towards the Brimhall Building and I knew it was too late,” said Oscar Meyer as he serenely sipped his soda.

A candlelight vigil will be held outside the Brimhall Building this Friday at 7PM to commemorate the loss of fellow students. Attendees plan on bringing Coke-Zero, fully caffeinated, to the memorial service in a show of solidarity.

 

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