LDS Church Assigns Seats to Avoid Fistfights

After a fistfight broke out in a Plain City church building, LDS officials have moved quickly to curb partisan violence on the Sabbath.

In an announcement years in the making, the LDS Church officially proclaimed that all members will have seats assigned to them in order to halt potential conflict.

Members in certain Utah communities celebrated the announcement with fireworks and other festivities.

“Finally, no more new members showing up and stealing our seats,” said Joe Bixby of Centerville. “As long as we get that back row we’ve always sat in, things will be fine.”

With a positive reaction from certain members, other members felt that the mandate was encroaching upon their free agency.

“If I want to sit in the front pews this week and the back pews next week, who is the Church to tell me I can’t?” said a man who wished to remain anonymous as he angrily paced back and forth during the interview. “If I want to argue with someone sitting in the pew I wanted to sit in, fight them for not moving, and then hit them with my car, who is the church to tell me I can’t?”

The LDS Church plans on releasing the announcement in a letter to be read by the Bishop as well as in the next edition of the scriptures.